Bernie Bros: Lock and load those protest votes now!

Author:T.J. Swoboda
Date:2019-04-14 15:09:46

Now, I know what you’re thinking. As a straight, white, male, do I really stand to lose anything if Donald Trump is somehow elected again? Not really. BUT! I do stand to lose something if an embarrassing old Democratic fogey is elected instead. That something? My pride. You see my conflict now.
Out now, Issue 55 gathers work from Laura van den Berg, R. O Kwon, Alexander Chee, and T Kira Madden.

And don’t tell me the Democrats are offering up fresh, young, exciting far-left candidates. They’re not. Kamala Harris? She’s a cop! (According to the Twitter handle of someone who gets retweeted into my timeline a lot, anyway.)
Even my beloved Bernie has betrayed me. Turns out he’s just as hypocritical as the rest of them! He promised to upend the establishment and stir the pot! But I’ve been following him closely, and I’m sad to report that he… let me check my notes here… ah, right: he has been “showing up for work” and “sitting at his desk.”
When you’re as far left as I am, it can be hard to decipher what my actual philosophy looks like. So here’s a helpful breakdown of what the political spectrum really looks like:
Far Right = Nazis
Right = Doesn’t Exist
Moderates = Worse Than Nazis
Left = Doesn’t Exist
Far Left = Just me and six of my friends

(right-click and view, image is much bigger)

Troll's Hole proclaimed:
Oh mighty dictator of the spider's lair
Why are the smilies appropriate?
Your horse drawn wagon is as inexpensive as a London unforunate
Who can you please when your tree house of diamonds collapses?
Its ladder being pulled away by the children who won't grow
Unleash the lizard
Squash the rebellion, for they mean to commit highway robbery
Turn their words into incomprehensible letters
Prisoners of the physical realm
Only the arms of the bear can save them now
But the ref pulls out the red card
The crab of the downward spiral eats ravioli and ejaculates corrupt Linux files
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